Alright, I don’t really do this, but I need to write this out for my own sanity and accountability. I need to fucking fix my mind.
I had a good weight drop before my bloodwork came back. Was down to 195 and ready to roll with the bulk. Made my diet changes by adding 100 carbs on the high day, 60 on my medium day, and 30 on my low day. So with that bump, and going to two high days a week, I figure I’ll be in a small surplus. Will run it and monitor body comp and what the scale does for the first couple weeks.
Started yesterday with a high day with the plan of replacing my last meal with a cheat. I’ve done this my entire bodybuilding journey. The problem is, I can’t be trusted with anything that’s not on plan. Like always, I went as hard as I could during my cheat. My stomach was the size of a beach ball.
This is a mental thing that I just can’t shake. I have a full blown eating disorder. If I ever want to actually get big, I need to figure it out.
I did this my entire first bulk. And I did this when I worked with Justin. Justin was big on eating the free meal so I would stick to the plan the other 33 meals for the week. Well I get the idea, but what I would do, is eat until I was sick, and then have to force feed my meals the next day. That’s not productive and led to serious gut issues during my time with him. He was happy with my body comp at the end, and wanted to keep feeding me to grow, but I literally couldn’t eat clean food anymore. I was distended 24/7, sick to my stomach looking at my meals, and didn’t want to get off my ass to go train. I couldn’t do it anymore. Not Justin’s fault at all. I was a bad client by taking the “free meal” to an extreme that fucked both of us.
Back to yesterday… I went to bed feeling terrible. Woke up this morning feeling terrible. I was still distended this morning so I decided to skip meal 1 and 2. It’s pretty pathetic and funny to start DAY 1 of my bulk off the exact same way I fucked my last one up with… Makes no sense. Like I said, it’s a mental thing I need to get rid of.
I’m not sure what to do about it. Obviously I could just cut all free meals or anything off plan out. I’m a foodie, so that would really suck for me. I’m thinking of maybe eating my five meals and giving myself 1000 calories after meal five to have a dessert or something I’ve been wanting all week.. I’m not sure how to go about it because a “free” or “cheat” meal is a no go for me.
I’m sure a lot of you guys don’t understand the addiction thing. It’s not that hard to just have one cookie and be satisfied… But if you know, you know.
Any suggestions would be helpful.
Hope you guys enjoyed my fat kid diary entry.