good joke

[lefler]

> > A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
> > >
> > > a half-gallon of 2% milk,
> > > a carton of eggs,
> > > a quart of orange juice,
> > > a head of romaine lettuce,
> > > a 2 lb. can of coffee,
> > > and a 1 lb. package of bacon.
> > >
> > > As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check
> > > out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the
> > > items in front of the cashier.
> > >
> > > While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk
> > > calmly stated, "You must be single."
> > >
> > > The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she
> > > was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was
> > > indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and
> >
> > > saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that
> > > could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.
> > >
> > > Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you
> > > know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did
> > > you know that?"
> > >
> > > The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

lets hear some more!

 

[Ronin_]

An old man is talking to a young boy and they get onto the topic of death:

"so young lad how would you like todie?" the old man asks

"I want to die sleeping like my grandfather and not screaming like the other three in the car"

 

[Ronin_]

Three men stand on the top of eiffel tower drunk out of their skulls. The 1st turns to the 2nd guy and bets him that if he jumps off he'll bounce all the way back up. The 2nd guy laughs his ass off and taunts him to do it. With that the 1st guy jumps right off the tower and sure enough bounces straight back to the other two. Well now guy number two is so convinced he decides to try it for himself, and jumps over the edge, coming to a grisly end on the cobbled streets below. With that the 3rd bloke turns to the 1st and says "you're a right bastard when you're drunk Superman"

 

[Jeremy88]

i got 1

little johnny got a train for his b-day, and everytime he'd make his lap around the track, he would say "all you motherf*ckers getting on, get on, all you motherf*ckers getting off, get off...." eventally his mom over-heard him cursing, so she takes his train set away and grounds him for an hour....after the hour was up, she said "no more cursing" he assured her that he wouldnt, and got back to his room, curious if johnny was an honest boy, she sneaks up to his bed-room door and listens carefully, and hears johnny making his lap around the track, and he then says "all you motherf*ckers getting on, get on, all you motherf*ckers getting off, get off, and if you're worried about the hour delay, ask the b*tch in the kitchen...." lol....

 

[Chip Bronson]

little johnny is running around the house as he get ready for school in the morning. he runs into the bathroom, where mom is showering, points to her tits and says, 'mommy, when i can get some of those?'. his mom says, 'just wait little johnny, you'll be getting some of these in just a few years.'

so he goes about running around the house again and a little later runs into the bathroom again where his dad is taking a shower. 'daddy, daddy' he yells pointing at his dad's dick, 'when can i have one of those?'. his dad replies, 'just wait till your mom leaves for work....' oooooooh!!!

 

[Bob Smith]

Thats funny shit Chipper! Sick, but funny!

 

[FTW]

This will only work on guys and it a what am i question.


Ok if you have a asshole neighbor that lives next door to you and you have a couple nuts that hang around you all the time and your best friend is a lil pussy then what are you???

If they cant figure it out then say your a dick and use a smart ass voice

If they so figure it out and say , i'm a dick just say yeah i know.


This Joke worked so well my brother almost got in a fight over it LoL.




FTW

 

[thick]

the johnny and the train is a classic. been around for at least a decade. FTW, that was a good one also. Chipper,

 

[thick]

this was posted first by blind 180 on vip. It's pretty funny
A letter written by a heartbroken man to his estranged partner



Dear Audrey:

I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during

Our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you left,

I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded

little boy in me talking.

Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact.

In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to

me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride's cost me a

lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care

about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long

as one of us does. Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And

this is what my heart says... "There's no one like you, Audrey."

I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but

they're not you. They're not even close. Two weeks ago, I met this

girl at Flamingo's and brought her home with me. I don't say this to

hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation.

She was young, maybe 19, with one of those perfect bodies that only

youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean,

just a perfect body. Jugs you wouldn't believe and an ass like a tortoise shell.

Every man's dream, right? But as I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought,

look at the stuff we've made important in our lives.

It's all so superficial. What does a perfect body mean? Does it make

Her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes. But you see what I'm getting

at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than

my moderately attractive Audrey? I doubt it. And I'd never really

thought of that before.



I Don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little. Later, after I'd

tossed her about a half a pint of throat yoghurt, I found myself

thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless

technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else. Some niggling

feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel

the same because you weren't there, Audrey, to watch.

Do you know what I mean?

Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus, Audrey, I'm just going

crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you.

Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met at Pontins last year?

Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagne. She said she

figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around.

I didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not the real

story. Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know

we're banging away in our old bedroom.

And this tart's a total monster in the sack.

She's giving me everything, you know like a real woman does when

she's

not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can

hear us. And all of a sudden she spots that tilting mirror on your

grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right,

so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad too.

'Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Audrey ever put the mirror on the floor?

We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it

as a sex aid."

Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining

order. I mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head

on her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful

time. She's given me lots of good counsel about you and about women in

general.

She's pulling for us to get back together, Audrey, She really is.

So we're drinking in a hot bath and talking about happier times.

Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do

Is think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that

Just about makes me cry.

And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole anal thing and

That gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about

trying it and how that probably fuelled some of the bitterness between us.

But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby

sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you?

It's true, Audrey. In your heart you know it. Don't you think we

Could start over?

Just wipe out all the grievances and start fresh?

I think we can. If you feel the same please please please let me

know, otherwise, can you let me know where the Sky remote control is.

 

[spookaroo]

this was posted first by blind 180 on vip. It's pretty funny
A letter written by a heartbroken man to his estranged partner

Dear Audrey:

Thats actually worth the read, pretty funny...

 

[spookaroo]

Ok Little Ralph is a little boy in school who has a foul mouth. So much so that the teacher cringes everytime he raises his hand to speak.
One day the teachers arrives at school and says. "Ok children today we are going to play a little game. First, I am going to describe something and you tell me what it is."
The teacher goes on... "First I am thinking of something round and red" with that Little Ralphs hand shoots up.. The teacher knowing whats coming tries very hard not to notice until Little Annie meekly puts her hand up. "Yes Annie?" the teacher asks. "Its an apple teacher Little Annie replies." "No Annie I was thinking of a red ball, but your thinking, your thinking." the teacher answers.
Next the teacher says "Ok now I am thinking of something round and orange. With that Ralphs' hand shoots up "Uhm Uhm Uhm!" Ralph exclaims... Now there is a bead of sweat starting on the teachers forehead as she tries to ignore Little Ralph. Just then Little Johnny in the second row raises his hand. Relieved the teacher asks "Yes Johnny?" "I think its an orange teacher..." "No Johnny it was the sun that I was looking for, but your thinking, your thinking..."
Just then Little Ralphie, totally frustrated jumps up and says...
"OK teacher, I am thinking of something long,..... and hard........ very stiff,..... AND HAS A RED TIP ON IT... AND ITS IN MY POCKET!!!" The teacher, mortified says "RALPH! HOW COULD YOU?" To that Little Ralphie replies as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the contents.... " I was describing a pencil teacher, but your thinking, your thinking.."

 

[proken]

Condom and Clomid

Why did the condome fly accross the room?
It got pissed off.

 

[Chip Bronson]

why are scientists having trouble finding a cure for aids?


they can't get the mice to butt-fuck!!

 

[cinnabar8521]

A little boy is sitting talking with his mother and asks why he doesn't have to penis's like his father and the mother replies that his father only has one penis, the little boy says no mommy daddy does have two penis's, a little that he pee's with and a great big one he uses to brush the baby sitters teeth with.

 

[cinnabar8521]

A girl goes to her father and asks to barrow the car and the dad replies that she can have the car only after she blows him, finding this disgusting she refuses and goes away, a little while later she returns and asks for the car againa and the dad replies after you give me a blow job the car is your, this time she gets mad and leaves again, a little while later she comes back and asks for the car again, the dad replies the same only after you blow me, so she agrees, but once she starts sucking his dick she says damn dad your dick tastes like shit, and the father says oh yeah your bother has the car tonight.

 

[Fast Food]

A girl goes to her father and asks to barrow the car and the dad replies that she can have the car only after she blows him, finding this disgusting she refuses and goes away, a little while later she returns and asks for the car againa and the dad replies after you give me a blow job the car is your, this time she gets mad and leaves again, a little while later she comes back and asks for the car again, the dad replies the same only after you blow me, so she agrees, but once she starts sucking his dick she says damn dad your dick tastes like shit, and the father says oh yeah your bother has the car tonight.

NOW that is some nasty shit! no pun intended

PEOPLES THUMB (TM)

 

[Chip Bronson]

hey what's a family for?...

 

[lefler]

why are scientists having trouble finding a cure for aids?


they can't get the mice to butt-fuck!!

LMFAO!!!!

 

[lefler]

hey what's a family for?...

I dont know, What?????

 

[Fast Food]

I dont know, What?????

no he was talking about when I said that was sick about the daughter sucking the father off and it tasted like shit cause of the sons ass.... then he says, yeah well what is a family for ya kno???

hope this helped